Still Here

So...

I realize my blogging has been incredibly sporadic and few and far between as of late. I apologize. I haven't had much life to discuss or what I had wanted to talk about was a little depressing, and no one really wants to read a whiny, depressing blog. However, I have something on my mind that I think needs to be here.

A lot has changed in the past six months. I started a new job, moved, quit that job, moved back, and started a new new job. I've done things that I never thought I'd do, some good, some mostly detrimental, but you live and learn, right? As they say, "You can't be old and wise til you've been young and stupid."

Now, I feel like I need to clarify that I'm not into drugs nor have I become an alcoholic or anything. I just know that the decisions I've been making recently are coming from sinful motivations. I've concluded that my (negative) behavior has stemmed from a desire for the temporal, a momentary satisfaction to mask my displeasure and quell my impatience. It's easier, and there's less risk involved because you're not investing in anyone, in anything. You get what you want and move on.

But that's not what I want, really, and that's not what will satisfy me. I need a refocus, a spiritual re-calibration with my compass pointed toward holiness and God's glory. That is my purpose, that's what I was created for, and that's the only place I will ever find satisfaction.

So, this is my mantra for a while: surrender to a pursuit of holiness, rest in the cross, deny my deceitful heart, and do everything for God's glory.

Sola Scriptura, Sola Fide, Solus Christus, Sola Gratia, Soli Deo Gloria

Letting Go

Dear [John],

I know we don't talk anymore, but this needed said. I'm finally letting you go, and I truly only want good things for you. I hope you find a way to make your life what you want it to be.

I'm done holding on to ideas of you that I knew deep down were only illusions. I'm done trying to convince myself that I love you just so I won't feel guilty. It wasn't your fault, and I knew that, but that doesn't mean I didn't try every means necessary to shift some or all of the blame, and that was fair to either of us.

We never would have worked out, despite the scenarios and what if's in my head. So, I hope you are happy with her and that she treats you well, and if not, that a woman will come along who will love, trust, and respect you, and who will encourage you to be the best man you know how to be.

I won't be jealous. I know mine will come around in time. I hope that if I see you again, we can smile and say, "Hi, how are you?" and really mean it. I will continue to pray for you as your sister in Christ, and I'm sincerely sorry for what I did to both of us.

Best wishes,

Brittany

SDG

I'm hopeful, fearful... ready for adventure.

It's late.
I'm at the apartment alone, lying on the floor half dressed, and listening to the sound of the dryer spin my clothes round and round, buttons clanging against metal, gentle whirring of the machine.
It's good to sit and listen in the stillness. Be me. Be alive. Feel my heart swell.
Things are changing fast. I'm on the brink. It's scary and exciting, yes.
I'm hopeful, fearful... ready for adventure.

SDG

I Might Be Crazy

Sometimes I want to scream and spin in a circle until I'm dizzy drunk and fall down.

You see, I get this feeling randomly (well, really, I get a lot of feelings that I take very seriously-- this is only one) I know it's significant, but it's not really explicable. It's this feeling like I'm about to overflow. A building pressure that might overwhelm my being at any moment. It's sort of an ominous feeling like the world is just too big and I'm too insignificant and I should give up. And screaming and flailing about is the only way to release the feeling.

But then... I remember that it doesn't really matter. The world is big, but I"m here for only a short time, and that time has been preordained for me by a God who's bigger than it all. Whatever happens is what's supposed to happen. Now, I won't sit passively and wait for something to happen. No. I'll move forward the best way I know how, trusting that the path I'm on will lead me to where I'm supposed to be.

"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
(Philippians 3:13-14 ESV)

SDG

Knitting & Chi

There are just two things I've deemed blog-worthy this morning. First, I've started knitting again. This time, though, I've decided to go a bit more fancy and bought some circular knitting needles. Ooooh!

My hope is that this will turn into a comfy cowl, and if all goes well, I want to make a bunch of them and start an Etsy shop to sell them. Anybody out there want a hand-made, alpaca wool cowl???

Secondly, and you'll only understand this if you've hung out on my balcony, but there's been some landscaping changes at the store that is essentially my front yard. Before, it was just a bunch of trash... but now we have pretty trees!

You have no idea how happy this makes me! And it has greatly improved the apartment's chi. ;)

SDG

Funny Conversations from Yesterday

The Zombie Apocalypse
Text conversation between me and Kate--

Kate: Hey, where are you?
Me: Babysitting.
Kate: Ohhhh. I was wondering why you were up so early.
Me: Yep. You know I wouldn't be up at 7 of my own volition!
Kate: I figured you either had to babysit or the zombie apocalypse was set to begin today, and you awoke to prepare.
Me: Well, if it were the latter, I would have at least warned you so you could prepare also.
Kate: We will be ready when the day comes.


The Wisdom of Children
Conversation with a 3-year-old girl--

3-year-old: My boyfriend, Connor, gets on my nerves, so bad!
Me: Oh, well, maybe he shouldn't be your boyfriend anymore.
3-year-old: No, I think he still wants to be.
Me: Ahhh. Okay, then. Well, why does he get on your nerves?
3-year-old: Because I love him!

SDG

Catch Me If You Can

You won't have forever to make up you mind
You won't have forever but, baby, take your time
I know the game you're playing
I've known it from the start
I know you didn't mean to
But you've shown me all your cards

I am waiting patiently
At least as patient as I can
But I won't wait forever, darlin'
Catch me if you can

As familiar to me as an old, favorite book
Worn, torn, and tear-stained pages
Tell more than words with just one look
If you were a song,
I would call you Solomon
Too damn wise for your own good

I am waiting patiently
At least as patient as I can
But I won't wait forever, darlin'
Catch me if you can

"Freewill is not our choice," I turn to you and say
You reply, "What does it matter, babe?
"The matter exists in the same state"
We can't look inside
It could be dead or alive
I'm not convinced it's both at the same time

SDG